Ask Kari

Ask Kari: Should I allow my 15-year-old daughter to get a piercing?

Ask Kari: Should I allow my 15-year-old daughter to get a piercing?

My teenage daughter and I are fighting about her desire to get her ear cartilage pierced. She is 15 and feels that she can make her own decisions about her appearance, but I do not agree. I feel that she needs to wait until she is 18 and an adult before doing something to her body that she may regret. Her 16th birthday is coming up and she is constantly asking me if I will allow her to pierce her ear as a birthday present. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: Should I financially support my mother-in-law who can no longer pay her bills?

Ask Kari: Should I financially support my mother-in-law who can no longer pay her bills?

My mother-in-law is a kind, sweet woman but has a history of making poor financial choices and now can no longer pay her bills. She is divorced and has no savings. My wife would like us to help her out and if needed move her into our home. I am not happy that we have to pay for her expenses, but I definitely do not think we should move her into our home. Plus, she has other children to help her out besides my wife and I. What do you think we should do?

Ask Kari: Can I be friendly with my ex-sister in law without offending my brother?

Ask Kari: Can I be friendly with my ex-sister in law without offending my brother?

My ex-sister in law is getting married again. I like her very much and we are still friendly, as we talk a few times a year. I am not attending her upcoming wedding, as is it a destination wedding in Mexico but I am wondering if I should send her a gift. What do you think? Do you think it be will offensive to my brother if I do, as their marriage ended because she had an affair? (It was with someone different from who she is marrying.)

Ask Kari: I’m a stay-at-home mom — how can I convince my husband to stop fighting with me about money?

Ask Kari: I’m a stay-at-home mom — how can I convince my husband to stop fighting with me about money?

I am a stay at home mom of three. I stopped working when I became pregnant with my first child and ever since then my husband and I are constantly fighting about money. He questions every purchase that I make for even for the most basic things and demands to look at all my receipts. He tells me that since “he works and I stay home, it’s his money that I am spending and he gets to keep track of it”. I am beginning to resent him so much; we had an agreement when we first married that I would stay at home and raise our children. Please help me get through to him that I do work, I just don’t get a paycheck for it every week.

Ask Kari: How can I support my in-laws if they won’t share why they’re in marital counseling?

Ask Kari: How can I support my in-laws if they won’t share why they’re in marital counseling?

My brother in law and sister in law are in marital counseling but won’t tell us why. I want to try and support them, but I feel that would it be easier to do if my husband and I knew what is the cause of their marriage problems?

Ask Kari: How can I get my kids to listen to me and cooperate?

Ask Kari: How can I get my kids to listen to me and cooperate?

I am a mother to three children and I try to do the best that I can to take care of all their needs, but lately the only thing that happens in our home on a regular basis is fighting about homework and chores. By the time we get home from afterschool activities, nobody wants to finish their homework, eat dinner, and help out around the house without crying and complaining. How can I get my kids to listen to me and cooperate?

Ask Kari: My best friend always brags about her kids — should I tell her they smoke pot and skip school?

Ask Kari: My best friend always brags about her kids — should I tell her they smoke pot and skip school?

My best friend is always bragging about her three children to me and anyone else that will listen. But, she doesn’t know that all three of her kids are actually smoking pot and skipping school. Should I tell her the truth?

Ask Kari: Should I financially help my elderly father, even though he refused to pay child support to my mother?

Ask Kari: Should I financially help my elderly father, even though he refused to pay child support to my mother?

My father was good to me when I was young; he always worked hard and provided a nice life for my siblings and me. But, when my parents divorced when I was 13 he refused to pay my mother’s child support for us since she initiated the divorce. Now, he is elderly and out of money. He asked me for help paying his living expenses. I don’t know what to do. I am still hurt that he stopped caring for me when I was younger. Should I help him?

Ask Kari: My husband is unhappy with our marriage – what should I do?

Ask Kari: My husband is unhappy with our marriage – what should I do?

I have been married for 5 years. I thought that my husband and I had a good marriage, but he recently told me that he is not happy with our sex life. He says that he is bored with the ways things are. When I asked him what that meant, he told me “he wants to be more intimate and adventurous”. I don’t know what to do to make things better. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: What should I do if I disapprove of my friend using a harness with her toddler?

Ask Kari: What should I do if I disapprove of my friend using a harness with her toddler?

My best friend uses a harness with her toddler when we go to the mall, and I am having a hard time telling her that I feel like she is treating her child like an animal. We are very close, but I am confused by this parenting decision, and I don’t feel comfortable walking through the mall with her when she has her son on a leash. It’s just wrong to me. How can I tell her how I feel without ruining the friendship?

Ask Kari: How can I support my daughter after her best friend moves away?

Ask Kari: How can I support my daughter after her best friend moves away?

Help, my daughter’s best friend since first grade is moving from Washington to California soon. My daughter has been moping around the house since she heard the news last month. They have been best friends for over ten years. How can I help support my daughter and prevent her from falling into a depression?

Ask Kari: Am I a terrible mother if I want to spend some time away from my children?

Ask Kari: Am I a terrible mother if I want to spend some time away from my children?

My children were just home for a week off from school, and I wanted to send them away somewhere else, just to have separate periods of time away from them. I love them dearly, but when we are stuck in the house together all week, I feel worn down. I end up feeling guilty that I want alone time. Is this going to affect them long-term, are they going to think I was a terrible mother?

Ask Kari: Should I meet my Tinder connection in person?

Ask Kari: Should I meet my Tinder connection in person?

I just began online dating and I’m excited to report that I have met a very nice man. He lives two hours away from me, but we talk every day. He wants us to meet in person and I am nervous to do so. Everything about him seems to check out, but what if I meet him and he is less than I hoped? I am so tired of being single, but I don’t want to have my heart disappointed.

Ask Kari: Can I limit my family’s holiday dinner to immediate family only?

Ask Kari: Can I limit my family’s holiday dinner to immediate family only?

I am planning my family dinner for the holiday, and I am concerned that the number of people coming to my home is too much. My mother asked me to invite extended family members including my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but I just want to keep it to immediate family. I volunteered to take over Christmas dinner for her this year, and she feels that we have to keep her tradition of inviting everyone we know. I feel that we can limit the number of people now that we are changing the location of the celebration and that people who I don’t include will understand and make their own plans. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: Another parent I trusted left my daughter unsupervised — how should I handle this situation?

Ask Kari: Another parent I trusted left my daughter unsupervised — how should I handle this situation?

My eleven-year-old daughter recently went to a birthday party and when I dropped her off at the party I purposely introduced myself to the child’s mother, verifying she was in charge at the party. The girls were to go to a movie and then back to the birthday girl’s home for cake. I later found out that the parents dropped the children off at the local movie theater and left, leaving them with no supervision, money to buy snacks, and then were late picking them up. I did not find this out until driving my daughter home. I am furious that another parent put my child at risk by leaving them unsupervised in the community after inviting them to a children’s party. How would you handle talking to the child’s mother?

Ask Kari: My old high school boyfriend contacted me (I’m married) — what should I do?

Ask Kari: My old high school boyfriend contacted me (I’m married) — what should I do?

My old boyfriend from high school found me on Facebook recently and contacted me. I was so thrilled to hear from him, as sometimes I have thought about him and I have wondered what we missed out on had we remained together. I am married now with kids, but keep wondering if maybe he is actually the love of my life. What should I do?

Ask Kari: Do I always have to bring something when my neighbor invites us to their home?

Ask Kari: Do I always have to bring something when my neighbor invites us to their home?

My neighbor invites my husband and I over for drinks frequently and always asks that we bring a bottle of wine and an appetizer. I like visiting with them, but I feel that an invite should not include requirements. What do you think?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my in-laws from making hurtful comments about our adopted children?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my in-laws from making hurtful comments about our adopted children?

I am married and the mother of two children, both of whom were adopted when they were babies. My husband and I tried for many years to become pregnant but we were not successful. Then, four years ago we were lucky enough to adopt two children who were siblings and in need of a home. Since then, my in-laws have constantly referred to our children as “the adopted grandchildren, not blood relatives”, which hurts me tremendously. I get so mad at them I can barely be in the same room with them. I love my children more than anything, how can I make them stop talking about my children this way?

Ask Kari: What should I do when my married colleague flirts with other women?

Ask Kari: What should I do when my married colleague flirts with other women?

My colleague at work is also a family friend of my wife and I. He flirts with wait staff when we go out to eat at lunchtime or to business dinners. I like both him and his wife, but it is becoming increasing uncomfortable when he tries to pick up women to date on the side. I have tried to not show interest in this activity, hoping he will stop doing it, but he hasn’t. What do you recommend I do in this situation?

Ask Kari: My mother died this year — when will my grief get better?

Ask Kari: My mother died this year — when will my grief get better?

My mother died this past year and my grief is immense. I loved her very much; she was my best friend and confidant. I feel like only my siblings understand my loss. My friends try to help support me, but I can tell that I bore them whenever I begin talking about missing my mother. My husband also tries to console me, but it is just is not enough. When will it get better? How can I make it through my first holiday season without her?

Ask Kari: How can I convince my daughter to not move in with her boyfriend?

Ask Kari: How can I convince my daughter to not move in with her boyfriend?

My daughter has just graduated from college and is trying to figure what to do next with her relationship with her boyfriend. They have been dating for 5 years (since high school), most of which has been an up and down relationship for them. My daughter tells me that she is considering moving in with her boyfriend, but neither of them have jobs or a place to live. What can I say to help guide her into making good choices in her life vs. staying in a relationship that is easy for now, but may not work out well for her in the long run?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my neighbor from coming over every day after work?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my neighbor from coming over every day after work?

My neighbor comes over almost everyday when I get home from work. I am barely in the door when he rings the doorbell to talk about nothing important. I have tried to act disinterested in talking with him, I have even tried telling him that I need to do something like make dinner, etc. but he doesn’t pick up on the hints that I am sending his way. I need to decompress after my workday, not discuss the weather. How can I stop him from coming over?

Ask Kari: I no longer feel passionately in love with my husband — what should I do?

Ask Kari: I no longer feel passionately in love with my husband — what should I do?

I have been married for 9 years to my first love. We have one child, a son who is 6 years old. We both love him very much, but I am beginning to feel that we no longer love each other passionately like we should. We are no longer intimate and live like roommates in our home. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, but I also do not want to split up our family. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: My neighbor wants to host a playdate for our kids, but her house is filthy – what should I do?

Ask Kari: My neighbor wants to host a playdate for our kids, but her house is filthy – what should I do?

I really like my neighbor and our children get along well with each other, but her house is filthy. I usually try to host play dates at my house, but she keeps pressing me to come over to her home instead. I can’t take seeing the week old dishes in her sink and dirty diapers and trash on her floors. Help, I can’t keep putting off letting her host us at her home.

Ask Kari: Should I be concerned that my elderly father is dating a much younger woman?

Ask Kari: Should I be concerned that my elderly father is dating a much younger woman?

My mother recently passed away after a short illness and now my father has taken up with a new, young lady friend that he met at a casino. My parents were married for 54 years; I can’t believe that my dad has found someone so soon after my mother’s death, especially someone who is so young (my dad is 79 and his lady friend is 30). I tried talking to him about my concerns that he is grieving and acting out by dating someone so young, but he will not discuss it with me. What can I do to make him listen to me?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my co-worker from constantly bullying me?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my co-worker from constantly bullying me?

I work in a small department in a large company. I have been with the organization for 8 years and have been able to grow my career at a good pace until now. I have a co-worker who is out to ruin my reputation. She constantly comments on everything from the grammar in my emails to the clothes that I wear to work. Nothing is wrong with either, but for whatever reason she makes snide remarks about me in front of others and I can tell people are paying attention to her comments. She has no boundaries! What do I do to make her stop?

Ask Kari: I’m tired of waiting for my boyfriend to propose — what should I do?

Ask Kari: I’m tired of waiting for my boyfriend to propose — what should I do?

I have been living with my boyfriend for over four years and I desperately want to get married and start a family. He keeps telling me that he has some personal goals he needs to achieve before this can happened. I don’t want to leave, but I also don’t want to keep waiting for his perfect moment, what should I do?

Ask Kari: How can we help my daughter’s boyfriend who is addicted to drugs?

Ask Kari: How can we help my daughter’s boyfriend who is addicted to drugs?

My daughter just told me that her long-term boyfriend has a substance abuse problem. She shared with me that he has been using marijuana and cocaine to relax. I am shocked to hear this information, as her boyfriend works full-time and seems so responsible. My daughter states that she is concerned that he is addicted to these substances and needs help. What do you suggest she do?

Ask Kari: Why would my husband suddenly ask me to wear fancy lingerie?

Ask Kari: Why would my husband suddenly ask me to wear fancy lingerie?

My husband recently told me that he wants me to dress in lingerie. More specifically, wear fancy bras and underwear even when I am just hanging around the house. I don’t know what to do with this request. I thought we had a good marriage and sex life, but now I am beginning to wonder where this request is coming from. What do you think is going on?

Ask Kari: How can I get my family to help with chores around the house?

Ask Kari: How can I get my family to help with chores around the house?

I am so tired about my home situation. I have a husband and two teenage children, yet no one will help with chores around the house. I feel like I am the only one who notices the need to clean the house, feed our pets, and pick up the dirty laundry. How can I get my family to change and start helping out?

Ask Kari: What can I do about a dishonest colleague?

Ask Kari: What can I do about a dishonest colleague?

Dear Kari, I've been reading your column for a while now and decided to ask you for your professional advice. I work with a girl who pads her timesheet almost everyday. She never reports to work on time. Even if she were an hour late to work, she would write down the...

Ask Kari: My husband didn’t acknowledge our wedding anniversary – what should I do?

Ask Kari: My husband didn’t acknowledge our wedding anniversary – what should I do?

It was just my twelfth anniversary and my husband did not do anything around our special day. I did not even get a “Happy Anniversary” acknowledgment or an anniversary card. I am fed up and tired of being hurt by his callous behavior. What should I do?

Ask Kari: My daughter was not invited to a child’s birthday party — should I invite that child to my daughter’s party?

Ask Kari: My daughter was not invited to a child’s birthday party — should I invite that child to my daughter’s party?

My daughter was not invited to a birthday party recently that most of her friends attended. Now it’s her birthday and I am wondering if I should invite the girl who left her off her party invite list to my daughter’s birthday celebration?

Ask Kari: My boyfriend cheated — should I give him another chance?

Ask Kari: My boyfriend cheated — should I give him another chance?

My ex-boyfriend cheated on me repeatedly over the three years that we were together. Now he tells me that he wants to get back together and get married. He calls/texts me every few days begging for another chance. He says that he has learned so much since we broke up, and that he will never hurt me again. I don’t know if I should give him another try. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: How can I manage my stress on the road when I’m frustrated with terrible drivers?

Ask Kari: How can I manage my stress on the road when I’m frustrated with terrible drivers?

Help, I am finding myself more frustrated than ever when I am driving around town. Each day I feel my temper getting hotter at the terrible drivers I engage with when I am going to and from work. There are so many terrible drivers in this town! Do you have any suggestions for me to have a better day?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my colleague from texting me late at night after work?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my colleague from texting me late at night after work?

I need some advice on to how to deal with a colleague at work who texts and calls me late at night. I think that she is lonely and needs some kind of social connection, but I have a full work schedule and a home life and I am growing tired of feeling like I need to respond to her. Plus, my wife is not keen on her contacting me anymore. How can I get her to stop leaning on me for support?

Ask Kari: I’m tired of being alone — how can I find love?

Ask Kari: I’m tired of being alone — how can I find love?

Help, I am feeling so lonely and defeated about finding love. I am looking for someone to share my life with, but I can’t seem to find the right person. I have tried dating online, going to local bars or sports activities, but I still have not been able to meet anyone who is of interest to me or vice versa. I have even gone on a few blind dates this year. I am tired of spending holidays alone. I want to have a Valentine next year, what am I doing wrong?

Ask Kari: My daughter’s teacher over-shares details of her personal life with her students — should I confront her?

Ask Kari: My daughter’s teacher over-shares details of her personal life with her students — should I confront her?

My teenage child has been telling me recently that her teacher at her high school over-shares her personal information (who she went out on a date with and what happened on the date, what she fights about with her family, and what she talks about in her weekly therapy sessions with her counselor). My daughter told me at first it was interesting, even shocking, but now she feels uncomfortable. What do you think I should do, confront her?

Ask Kari: How can I help a friend who admits she’s suicidal?

Ask Kari: How can I help a friend who admits she’s suicidal?

I have a friend who told me that she is suicidal sometimes. I didn’t know what to say to her except that maybe she should talk to one of our school counselors. I am afraid for her. Do you think that I should tell her parents? How can I help her?

Ask Kari: What should I do if my husband wants to have an “open marriage”?

Ask Kari: What should I do if my husband wants to have an “open marriage”?

My husband wants us to have an “open marriage” and date other people. He says that he doesn’t have anyone in mind, but I don’t believe him. I cannot believe that the man I married 18 years ago is asking this of me, I don’t want to be intimate with anyone else. What should I do?

Ask Kari: How can I motivate my adult daughter to move out?

Ask Kari: How can I motivate my adult daughter to move out?

My adult daughter lives with us, but she is driving me crazy. She graduated from college but is not motivated to use her degree for a career. She works two part-time jobs (she only works 20-25 hours a week), but mostly watches Netflix all day. What can I do to motivate her to move on and start her life?

Ask Kari: How Can We Stop the Parental “Money Train”?

Ask Kari: How Can We Stop the Parental “Money Train”?

My daughter is married to a man who will not get a job. They have three children, she works full-time but for the past three years he has made no effort to find a job or keep one if and when he does get hired. During this time period, we have gotten a call at the end of each month asking us for money. At first, my husband and I offered our full support, but now we resent that we work and then pass on some of our income to them. What do you recommend we do to stop this situation?

Ask Kari: How can I help my young pregnant daughter?

Ask Kari: How can I help my young pregnant daughter?

My 20 year-old daughter is in her second year at college and has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for two years. She recently told us that she is almost 3 months pregnant. I am overwhelmed with what she has ahead for her now. Her life is going to be different from what I thought it would be. How can I best help her?

Ask Kari: How can I help my exhausted wife take better care of herself?

Ask Kari: How can I help my exhausted wife take better care of herself?

My wife recently thought that she was having a heart attack and ended up in the emergency room. She was told that she had an anxiety attack. She was told to de-stress her life, but she won’t do it. She is always doing too much for everyone. She is exhausting herself trying to keep up with all the tasks and committees she volunteers for. Plus, we have three teenagers in our home, and she works part-time. How can I make her take care of herself before everyone else?

Ask Kari: I’m still single — how can I find a life partner who is interested in the same things I am?

Ask Kari: I’m still single — how can I find a life partner who is interested in the same things I am?

How can I find love today? How can someone find a good person, who is respectful, kind, happy, and fun in today’s dating world? I feel that I have tried everything, I mean everything, and I am still single. How can I find a life partner who is interested in the same things I am?

Ask Kari: How should I handle my selfish mother-in-law?

Ask Kari: How should I handle my selfish mother-in-law?

I need help handling my selfish mother-in-law. She is the kind of woman who takes the air out of the room. I have tried to build a relationship with her with no success. All she seems to care about is herself and her son (my husband). I can’t even get her to take an interest in her grandchildren, my sons. At this point I no longer even want to be around her, which is causing strife between my husband and me. I am at a loss as to what to do. Help!

Ask Kari: How can I confront my coworker about unprofessional behavior?

Ask Kari: How can I confront my coworker about unprofessional behavior?

I work at a great tech company and I job-share my position. My job-share partner is not following company policy and frequently chooses unprofessional actions that affect how the company views us as a team and employees. What can I do to stop her from making poor choices and save my professional life?

Ask Kari: I’m happily married — should I meet up with an old high school crush for a drink?

Ask Kari: I’m happily married — should I meet up with an old high school crush for a drink?

I recently went to my twentieth reunion and met up with an old guy friend from high school who I always had a crush on. Both of us are now married to other people and have kids of our own, but we danced all night together at the reunion and at the end of the night we kissed. He later sent me a text asking to me meet him for a drink. I don’t know what to do; I am happily married but still very attracted to him. Should I meet him for a drink?

Ask Kari: What should I do when strangers behave irrationally towards me in public?

Ask Kari: What should I do when strangers behave irrationally towards me in public?

I am so upset at how people behave in public. I was in the parking lot at the local grocery store last week parking my car, when a woman began yelling at me from her car about “moving too slow”. She then proceeded to park her car and come over to me and began yelling at me again “for being stupid and selfish”. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to yell back at her, I didn’t, but I wanted to. How should crazy people like this be handled?

Ask Kari: How can I make my sister see she’s in a controlling relationship with her boyfriend?

Ask Kari: How can I make my sister see she’s in a controlling relationship with her boyfriend?

My sister is in a controlling relationship with her boyfriend. He won’t even let her go out with me to the mall without her having to check in with him every hour. He emails and texts her constantly. Our father was overbearing like this with our mother. Now she says that she loves him and wants to get married. I worry that she will end up in an abusive marriage. How can I make her see that he is no good for her before it’s too late?

Ask Kari: We just moved to Issaquah — how can I help my son make new friends?

Ask Kari: We just moved to Issaquah — how can I help my son make new friends?

My 12 year-old son is struggling with making new friends. We moved to Issaquah last year, but he still doesn’t have anyone who he can hang out with on a regular basis. I often find him just sitting in front to the computer, either bored watching You Tube or searching the Internet. How can I help him develop more friendships with other kids?

Ask Kari: Should my lonely elderly mother move in with my family?

Ask Kari: Should my lonely elderly mother move in with my family?

My 69 year-old mother is recently widowed and lives alone in her home. She has been retired for the past five years and appears to be lonely every time I see her, which is often. I am worried that she needs more social activity and family time. I am considering that maybe she should move in with my family and me (my husband and our four children). My husband says that he will only agree to this, if his parents can also live with us at a later date if and when they start to struggle. Having all those people under one roof would be crazy and I am not up to it. I just want to have my mom near me so I can take care of her. What do you recommend I do?

Ask Kari: My wife won’t let anyone babysit our kids — what can I do to get some alone time with her?

Ask Kari: My wife won’t let anyone babysit our kids — what can I do to get some alone time with her?

I am desperate for alone time with my wife. We have two children, ages 2 and 4, and she is a great mom but she will absolutely not let anyone babysit the kids so that we can have a date night. At first, I was understanding, but four years in, I have lost my patience. Help me, I am lonely in the marriage even though we are together all the time (but it’s with our kids 24/7). What do you suggest I do?

Ask Kari: My coworker has bad body odor — help!

Ask Kari: My coworker has bad body odor — help!

I need help with a very weird situation that is happening at work. My colleague is a nice guy, but he stinks! He has both personal body odor going on, and bad breath. How do I causally mention to him that his body odor is offensive and that’s why people avoid him? I have offered him a breath mint more than once, thinking that he would take the hint, but it did not work.

Ask Kari: I want more out of a relationship — why can’t I stop being a pushover for men?

Ask Kari: I want more out of a relationship — why can’t I stop being a pushover for men?

I want to change being a pushover for men, but I don’t know how. How can I make a permanent change this year that will last? I know that I settle for less than I really deserve and want in a relationship. I give in to accepting however a man treats me, even if it’s abusive or thoughtless. What’s wrong with me?

Ask Kari: How Much Do I Need to Tell My New Boyfriend?

Ask Kari: How Much Do I Need to Tell My New Boyfriend?

I am dating someone new and we get along great. We have been together for four months and I feel like I know him really well, but I have not been completely honest with him. I told him that I have never been married before and I have. It was a brief marriage for less than a year. I really don’t even count it because right after we got married, we only lived together for three months before I moved out. Do you think I need to tell my new boyfriend about the marriage or just keep it to myself?

Ask Kari: My neighbors are harassing us. What do we do?

Ask Kari: My neighbors are harassing us. What do we do?

We have had a long history of drama with the neighbor who lives behind us. It all started with a boundary line dispute when he suddenly claimed about 6 feet of our back yard. My husband and I thought things would settle with a survey and a fence, but drama continued. He pointed profanity-laced signs toward our house, out of the view of other neighbors, that expressed his displeasure with us. He stood behind our house saying threatening, foul things at the top of his lungs; aimed strobe lights and work lights at our bedroom windows; and a rock was thrown through one of our windows. His behavior worsens whenever my husband is out of town, so I wonder if we are being watched. We have not engaged with him since the survey, no matter how annoying his behavior is, as we do not want to escalate the situation. Do you have any better suggestions?

Ask Kari: After my divorce, how can I find someone to share my life with (without having more kids)?

Ask Kari: After my divorce, how can I find someone to share my life with (without having more kids)?

I’m a well-traveled (50 countries), 55-year-old, heterosexual man. A year ago, I purchased a townhouse in Issaquah Highlands where I now reside alone. Six years ago, I got divorced, and my young son from that marriage spends every weekend with me. I exercise regularly and I am vegan. My problem is that since my divorce, I haven’t met anyone. It seems to me I should be somewhat of a catch. But I’m obviously wrong. I do not want to be a father to any more kids. I just want someone with whom I can share my life. Do you see any issues? What can I do?

Ask Kari: My teenage son smokes weed every day — how can I convince him to stop?

Ask Kari: My teenage son smokes weed every day — how can I convince him to stop?

My teenage son smokes marijuana almost daily. He is barely keeping up with his schoolwork and I am afraid that he will not finish high school. I have tried to motivate him to stay focused on school and to stop using marijuana but he refuses to do so. I am beginning to wonder if he is using other drugs too at this point. How can I get through to him that using drugs is not a good life plan?

Ask Kari: How can I get my wife to go to bed at the same time as me each night?

Ask Kari: How can I get my wife to go to bed at the same time as me each night?

My wife and I keep fighting over my request for her to come to bed at the same time as me. I go to bed around 10:00 PM each night, but my wife likes to stay up until midnight. After a long day with our jobs and our kids, I would like us to connect up by talking for a few minutes, maybe watch some TV then kiss each other good night and go to bed at the same time. We fight about this constantly, as my wife feels that I am trying to control her. How can I get her to do what I want and stop the fighting between us?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my co-worker from using my office when I’m not there?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my co-worker from using my office when I’m not there?

A co-worker uses my office when I am traveling and not in the office. He leaves it a mess! I have tried to suggest politely that I like order and would prefer that he does not use my space, but he doesn’t take the hint. What do you think I should do to make him stop using my space?

Ask Kari: Should I talk to my boss after we kissed at the company holiday party?

Ask Kari: Should I talk to my boss after we kissed at the company holiday party?

I kissed my boss at the holiday party and I have felt uncomfortable with him ever since. We have always gotten along well and both are single. But, neither of us has spoken about the incident since it happened. Should I try and bring it up to him or do you think he just wants it to be a one-time deal since he has not said anything to me?

Ask Kari: My mother has dementia – how can I get through the holidays without feeling depressed?

Ask Kari: My mother has dementia – how can I get through the holidays without feeling depressed?

I am feeling terribly sad as this is the first holiday season since I moved my mother into a care facility due to dementia and we won’t be celebrating the holidays like we usually do. I am feeling both the loss of her recognizing me when I visit her, and the loss of our family traditions. How can I make it through this time of the year without feeling depressed?

Ask Kari: Should I continue to buy holiday gifts for my grown nieces and nephews?

Ask Kari: Should I continue to buy holiday gifts for my grown nieces and nephews?

I am getting ready to do my holiday shopping and I am confused about when to stop buying gifts for my extended family. I have many nieces and nephews, and I feel that now that they are adults (over 18), I should stop buying them gifts. Is this correct, or will they think I love them less because the gifts have stopped coming?

Ask Kari: Should I let my college son’s girlfriend sleep over at our home?

Ask Kari: Should I let my college son’s girlfriend sleep over at our home?

My 21 year-old college son wants to have his girlfriend sleep over at our home when they visit for the holidays. I am happy to have her stay with us, but I do not feel that they should sleep in the same bedroom. My husband disagrees; he feels that our son is an adult and sleeping with his girlfriend is acceptable. This is causing a lot of strife in our family, please help.

Ask Kari: After a stressful time last year, should I invite all my immediate family over for the holidays this year?

Ask Kari: After a stressful time last year, should I invite all my immediate family over for the holidays this year?

The holidays are coming up and I am debating whether to invite all my immediate family members (in-laws, parents, siblings). Last year went poorly and ended up being stressful for everyone due to people disrespecting personal boundaries and being unkind. My two siblings fought with each other throughout the evening, some of the kids did not like the food that was served and complained non-stop, and my mother-in-law was grumpy to everyone. I love them all, but I do not know if I can go through it all again this year. I am hopeful, but also realistic. What do you think I should do, should I give it another try?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my parents from continuing to loan my brother money?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my parents from continuing to loan my brother money?

My parents recently lent my brother much of their savings due to his current financial challenges. He has a history of not paying his bills and living way past his means, always blaming someone else for his problems. He has never paid them back for any of his previous loans and I can’t contain my anger at how my brother keeps abusing my parents and their money. What should I say to him to make this situation stop?

Ask Kari: Why do I feel so lonely in my marriage?

Ask Kari: Why do I feel so lonely in my marriage?

My husband and I lead a boring life. I feel like I cannot take another day of us living in the same home but not speaking to each other except to check in with what’s for dinner each night. I have tried everything, including marriage counseling with him and nothing changes. Everyday I think about leaving him but I never make it to the door or follow through with making a real effort to save myself. What is wrong with me?

Ask Kari: How can I face my neighbors after a very uncomfortable neighborhood party?

Ask Kari: How can I face my neighbors after a very uncomfortable neighborhood party?

My husband and I went to a party in our neighborhood recently at our good friends’ house. I knew almost everyone in attendance and I was having a good time until the hosts decided that we needed to play an adult game of spin the bottle. I found myself in a position that was very uncomfortable, as I know all these people very well, and by no means did I want to kiss them. I was shocked that my friends would suggest that we entertain ourselves by engaging in such a game. My husband and I left pretty soon after the game started, but now I am struggling with how to interact with everyone who was at the party and participated in the game. Our kids play together, how can I look at them knowing that they engaged in kissing someone other than their spouse? I am so confused by this, I truly don’t know what to do or how to feel about the situation at this point. Please help me figure this out.

Ask Kari: My teenage daughter cuts herself — what should I do?

Ask Kari: My teenage daughter cuts herself — what should I do?

My daughter is 13 y.o. and is cutting herself. I am so confused as why she is harming herself in this way, as she is deeply loved by her father and me. She has been struggling this school year both academically and socially, but I thought it was just normal adolescent struggles, but now I feel different. What is the best thing I can do to help her?

Ask Kari: How can I build my self-confidence when talking to women?

Ask Kari: How can I build my self-confidence when talking to women?

I have a problem that I have been struggling with since I was a teenager. I freeze when I talk to women. I have been trying to gain a level of comfort when talking to females, but I don’t really know where to start. I want to get married someday and have a family, but at this rate it will never happen for me. How can I get my game on with women?

Ask Kari: How can I support my friend whose mother is dying of cancer?

Ask Kari: How can I support my friend whose mother is dying of cancer?

I recently had an uncomfortable exchange with a friend whose mother is dying from cancer. I asked her how she was doing handling her mother’s impending death and she began to cry uncontrollably. I did not know what to do. I was truly at a loss for words on how best to support her. What would you have done? Why am I so uncomfortable around the topic of death and illness?

Ask Kari: Should I be concerned after I found a flirtatious email from my husband to another woman?

Ask Kari: Should I be concerned after I found a flirtatious email from my husband to another woman?

I found a flirtatious email on my husband’s computer when I was looking for something else (our upcoming vacation itinerary). I was shocked to see in words him flirting with another woman. He commented repeatedly on her looks and offered to meet her for coffee or a drink. I am heartbroken, but I don’t know if I want to bring it up with him or not. Do you think I should be concerned or just forget about it?

Ask Kari: How can I enforce that my son do his chores around the house?

Ask Kari: How can I enforce that my son do his chores around the house?

Dear Kari,

I am struggling with how to punish my son when he doesn’t do his chores around the house. It seems to be that all I have as discipline is to take away his phone or his computer. But, he needs his computer for summer school and the phone helps me keep in touch with him. What can I do to enforce the rules in my home?

Ask Kari: I want to go to college but I’m afraid I’m too old. What can I do?

Ask Kari: I want to go to college but I’m afraid I’m too old. What can I do?

I recently became unemployed because the business where I worked closed. I am 34 years old and I have always wanted to go to college and get my degree in education so that I can become a teacher. Should I try attempting my goal now or am I too old to reach this goal? What if I am the oldest student in my classes? I am scared to go for it because I have always worked in restaurants, not schools. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: I’m allergic to my roommate’s emotional support dog. How can we work this out?

Ask Kari: I’m allergic to my roommate’s emotional support dog. How can we work this out?

My roommate has just brought home a dog as her emotional support animal. I am very upset because she did not ask me if I was okay with her bringing a dog into our apartment even though I am allergic to pet hair. At this point, I have avoided talking to her because I am afraid that I will lose it on her. What do you suggest I do?

Ask Kari: Can I have a serious relationship with a man I met on Tinder?

Ask Kari: Can I have a serious relationship with a man I met on Tinder?

I met someone on Tinder and I really like them. Although we both originally said that we were only looking to hook up and hang out, I have become attached to the guy. Do you think I should take a chance and tell them how I really feel? Do you think that we have a chance at a real relationship? Wouldn’t it be crazy if we got married!

Ask Kari: My father forgot my birthday and hurt my feelings — should I tell him how I feel?

Ask Kari: My father forgot my birthday and hurt my feelings — should I tell him how I feel?

My father forgot my birthday and it hurt my feelings. Do you think that I should tell him how I feel or just drop it? My dad was never a great parent, but this is shameful. I have kids of my own and I cannot believe that a parent doesn’t remember the day that their child was born.

Ask Kari: I just got laid off and I’m so mad – what do I do next?

Ask Kari: I just got laid off and I’m so mad – what do I do next?

I was recently laid off and I am so mad! I knew it was coming, but I still hoped it would not happen. How do I get over being mad at my boss and go forward from the disappointment that I feel? I will be okay financially for a little while, but what do I do next?

Ask Kari: Why does my husband spend so much time at the local bar after work?

Ask Kari: Why does my husband spend so much time at the local bar after work?

My husband has been hanging out at the local restaurant in the bar area more and more in the past six months. Sometimes he will come home from work and then go right down the hill to the bar, missing out on spending time at home with our children and me. I am beginning to suspect that either he is having an affair or he is avoiding the responsibilities of our home life. He tells me he just needs a place to wind down his day and not to worry. What do you think is going on?

Ask Kari: What should I do after my mother said she never loved me?

Ask Kari: What should I do after my mother said she never loved me?

My mother and I recently had a fight and she told me that she never loved me. I cannot believe at 43 years old, my mother has said such unkind words to me. We have always had a hard relationship, and I questioned if she has liked me all my life, but never if she loved me. How can a mother even say this to their child? Where do I go from here? Do I pursue talking with her about her hateful words, or do I just let it go and never speak to her again?

Ask Kari: How can I support my friend who had a miscarriage?

Ask Kari: How can I support my friend who had a miscarriage?

My good friend just had a miscarriage. I feel so bad for her and her husband. I am just at a loss for what to say, what not to say. They were so excited to have their first child. What can I do to help support them at this time?

Ask Kari: My best friend only talks about herself and her drama — should I end our friendship?

Ask Kari: My best friend only talks about herself and her drama — should I end our friendship?

My best friend of 6 years is becoming unbearable. She has moved from being able to talk about many things, to turning every conversation back to her, her needs, her family, her challenges, her bad marriage. I am beginning to feel like I want to end our friendship. I can’t keep listening to her life and drama. What do you suggest?

Ask Kari: After 15 years of marriage, what should I do if my husband wants to rethink our marriage?

Ask Kari: After 15 years of marriage, what should I do if my husband wants to rethink our marriage?

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 15th anniversary, but instead of going away together to celebrate, he told me that he needs some time alone. I asked him what that meant and he said, “He needs to think about things”. What should I do? I am devastated.

Ask Kari: How can I stop my friend from gossiping about other friends?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my friend from gossiping about other friends?

I have a really good friend that talks about our larger group of friends behind their backs to me. I try and not engage, but she keeps going on and on and at some point, I just nod to stop her from talking. How do you think I can approach her about my uncomfortable feelings around her behavior? I am worried that word will get around that I am gossiping about people that I really care about.

Ask Kari: My son has no plans after graduating high school — what should I do?

Ask Kari: My son has no plans after graduating high school — what should I do?

My child is graduating high school this year and has no plans for what is next for him. I have repeatedly tried to help my son consider some choices such as going to a trade school, getting a job, take a few classes at the local community college, anything that gets him moving on past high school. My son keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to talk about what’s next for him. Help, what should I do?

Ask Kari: After my father spent his retirement money, he wants to move in with us. What should I do?

Ask Kari: After my father spent his retirement money, he wants to move in with us. What should I do?

I have a family crisis going on that is completely stressing me out. My dad is 71 and did not save enough money for retirement and now wants to move in with my family and me. I have another sibling who already turned him down due to limitations of space in his home, and now my dad is asking me for help. What can I do? I do not want my father to live with us, and I resent that he spent all his money for his retirement traveling for the past five years. But I can’t let him end up on the street. My wife does not want him moving in with us. What should I do?

Ask Kari: How can I address my daughter’s revealing style choices?

Ask Kari: How can I address my daughter’s revealing style choices?

I have a teenage daughter that loves fashion. Unfortunately, she is drawn to wearing outfits that show off more of her body than I would like. She thinks that I am “too conservative”. I feel that she is sending out the wrong message to others through her choice of clothing. How can we come to an agreement of peace within our family?

Ask Kari: How should I ask my son if he’s using drugs?

Ask Kari: How should I ask my son if he’s using drugs?

My son came home for the holidays from college and I think he might be using drugs. He spent most of the visit in his room or meeting up with friends outside our house. His mood went really up, and then really down. I kept asking him if he had a cold or was sick, but then it occurred to me that maybe he was using drugs and that is why his eyes were large and his nose was running constantly. How should I approach him about this?

Ask Kari: How do I tell people I’m not ready to have a baby?

Ask Kari: How do I tell people I’m not ready to have a baby?

I have been married for three years, and everyone keeps asking me when I am planning on getting pregnant. How do I get people to stop forcing their planning on me? I may want to have children in the future, but I want to do it on my time schedule not someone else’s. Please help me with what I should say to people to stop their interference in my personal life?

Ask Kari: What should I do if I always see my neighbor’s children unattended?

Ask Kari: What should I do if I always see my neighbor’s children unattended?

I have an awkward situation going on in my neighborhood. My neighbor’s young children often wander the street by themselves, no parents to be seen anywhere. I am concerned for their three children, as anyone could snatch them up or cause harm to them without anyone knowing. They are nice neighbors to us, but seeing these kids walking around unattended asking to go into other peoples’ homes is worrying me. I feel like something bad is going to happen any day now. What should I do?

Ask Kari: My best friend’s wife died from cancer — how can I support him?

Ask Kari: My best friend’s wife died from cancer — how can I support him?

My best friend’s wife recently died from cancer. I am so sad for him, as his wife was only 40 years old. I am at a total loss for what to say and how to support him at this time. He really is struggling. What do you suggest? Do you have any resources to recommend?

Ask Kari: My boyfriend wants an open relationship — what should I do if I don’t agree?

Ask Kari: My boyfriend wants an open relationship — what should I do if I don’t agree?

My boyfriend wants to try an open relationship, including us being together with other couples at the same time. I don’t even know what to say to him. I have never done anything like what he is suggesting before, and I don’t know if I want to now. What do you think that I should do?

Ask Kari: How should I respond when guests make backhanded comments about my nice home?

Ask Kari: How should I respond when guests make backhanded comments about my nice home?

I have a good friend at work that I have become close with. We both work in the same position at the same company, and probably earn close to the same salary. My challenge is that in the past when I invite people over to my house, they become uncomfortable with how nice it is. My parents were kind enough to gift me the house that I live in and helped me decorate it completely. It is a very nice home for someone my age, 26. How should I handle the comments that come when guests visit my home, especially the comments that seem to be backhanded and ask me how I paid for everything?

Ask Kari: My friend’s father acts inappropriately towards me, what should I do?

Ask Kari: My friend’s father acts inappropriately towards me, what should I do?

I have a weird situation with my friend’s father. I am 20 years old, as is my friend. We have known each other since middle school. Almost every time I visit her home, her dad stares at me a little too long. He also makes jokes about my body and my looks in an inappropriate way. I know my friend notices, as her face drops each time, and she appears disgusted by her dad’s actions, but we have never talked about it further. I am starting to get really creeped out by him. What do you think that I should do?

Ask Kari: My Daughter’s Behavior Has Changed Dramatically After Getting Involved With New Friends

Ask Kari: My Daughter’s Behavior Has Changed Dramatically After Getting Involved With New Friends

My daughter has taken up with a new group of friends at high school, and her behavior has changed dramatically. She no longer is doing her homework, coming home on time, and she fights with everyone in our home. I have tried talking to her, but she will not listen to my pleas for her to be respectful and follow our house rules. Help, what should I do?

Ask Kari: I like someone at work- should I go for it?

Ask Kari: I like someone at work- should I go for it?

I have an issue going on at work that is confusing for me. I am the supervisor of a team at my company and one of my co-workers flirts with me. They typically flirt with me when we are alone, but also sometimes when we go out for lunch/dinner as a group. I like the attention, but I am not sure how I should respond. Should I go for it?

Ask Kari: How can I avoid being a lonely empty-nester?

Ask Kari: How can I avoid being a lonely empty-nester?

My youngest child just graduated from college and I recently downsized my home. I moved to another town and at first felt excited about all the new changes in my life, but now I am finding myself scared and feeling lost with what is ahead for me. After raising a family and working most of my life, I now have options and choices, but I am afraid of making a mistake. Plus, I am feeling lonely most days with all this adult freedom. Help, how can I cope with all these changes and be happy?

Ask Kari: I’m So Upset at How People Behave in Public

Ask Kari: I’m So Upset at How People Behave in Public

I am so upset at how people behave in public. Last week, I was parking my car in the parking lot at the local grocery store when a woman yelled at me from her car about “moving too slow.” She then proceeded to park her car and come over to me and yell at me again “for being stupid and selfish.” I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to yell back at her. I didn’t, but I wanted to. How should crazy people like this be handled?

Ask Kari: My neighbor’s dogs are always barking! What do I do?

Ask Kari: My neighbor’s dogs are always barking! What do I do?

Our neighbor’s dogs drive us crazy. When they’re not home, they often leave their dogs outside on their small patio where they bark constantly for hours. They are large dogs and very loud, especially with our houses so close together. When our neighbors go on vacation, they leave the dogs home and have someone come in to take care of them, but they bark all night long, keeping us awake even with our windows closed. I’ve tried to talk to them about it, and text them when it’s especially bad. They apologize, but don’t do anything differently the next time. I’ve thought about calling the police (especially at 2 a.m. when I can’t sleep due to the barking), but I really don’t want to be that kind of neighbor. What can we do to make our neighbors realize how inconsiderate they are being, and start taking better care of their dogs?

Ask Kari: How can I help my sister find her own path in life?

Ask Kari: How can I help my sister find her own path in life?

I am struggling with how to help my sister, as she “becomes” whomever she is dating. When she was dating an artist, she bought art supplies and began to paint. When she dated a musician, she bought a guitar and tried to start a band. When she dated a computer engineer, she began taking a computer class at the local college. I can’t take it anymore! Why can’t she just be herself and find her way without attaching herself to a man? Help me find a way to get her on the right track and find her own way in life.

Ask Kari: Should I help my mother find love again after her divorce?

Ask Kari: Should I help my mother find love again after her divorce?

My mother has recently gotten divorced (her second marriage) and is struggling with what to do next. I am her only child, and she has become more dependent on me, which is becoming really stressful. How can I help her launch her life as a newly single person? Should I help her find a new love to keep her occupied?

Ask Kari: My friend won’t talk to me now that we’re roommates — what should I do?

Ask Kari: My friend won’t talk to me now that we’re roommates — what should I do?

I am having a problem with my roommate. We were friends prior to moving in together last summer, but since we began living together, she keeps to herself most of the time. I have tried to talk with her to see if something is wrong or if I offended her, but she just dismisses me and states that she has nothing to say. Curiously, about the time that we moved in together she began dating her current boyfriend and I am wondering if he doesn’t like me and she is siding with him. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: Should I go to college next year or wait until I have more money saved up?

Ask Kari: Should I go to college next year or wait until I have more money saved up?

I am graduating this year from high school and I picked my college for next year, University of Washington. The problem is my parents have told me that they only have enough money to pay for one year of my schooling. I will be the first person from my family to go to college, but I am scared that I will get my dream of attending college and then lose it. Do you think I should go to college next year or wait until I have all the money saved up a few years from now?

Ask Kari: My husband works ALL the time — how can I tell him I can’t live like this anymore?

Ask Kari: My husband works ALL the time — how can I tell him I can’t live like this anymore?

I am struggling with remaining married to my husband. He works all the time, leaving little time for our children or me. There’s always a new project, a new quarter, or an email or phone call that must be made or taken. I have waited for five years for things to change, but they haven’t. The most change I have seen is one week of him making it home for dinner, followed by months of him not coming home until after our children are asleep and I have been left alone for hours. How do I get him to see that I can’t live like this anymore?

Ask Kari: My Son is Throwing Away His Life!

Ask Kari: My Son is Throwing Away His Life!

My son decided that college is not for him and he wants to drop out. He told me that he plans to move to Los Angeles to become an actor/musician. I am having a hard time with this, since he has never acted in a play in his life, nor does he sing or play an instrument very well. What can I do so that he does not throw away his life?

Ask Kari: I’m newly divorced, how do I date online?

Ask Kari: I’m newly divorced, how do I date online?

I am newly divorced and thinking about online dating. I’m unsure of my approach: should I date everyone who contacts me or wait until my “dream date” shows up?

Ask Kari: How Do I Handle a Manager That Yells at Everyone?

Ask Kari: How Do I Handle a Manager That Yells at Everyone?

I need help with how I can handle my manager at work who yells at everyone. He just walks around the office and has multiple outbursts at people during the work day. At this point people are becoming afraid to even engage with him. I am the assistant manager of the business and staff keep turning to me after he yells at them. This problem is becoming more overwhelming every day. Can you suggest what I can do to change things at the office?

Ask Kari: My roommates won’t leave me alone. How can I work in peace?

Ask Kari: My roommates won’t leave me alone. How can I work in peace?

I live with two roommates who do not seem to understand that, while I do work from home, I
still need to work. They will pass by my office and ask me questions about my day, what’s up for
dinner, and even tell me they moved my laundry. I have asked them to be mindful of the fact that
I have work obligations and prefer not to be interrupted during the workday. Help! What do you
suggest I do to get my message received, once and for all?

Ask Kari: I’ve been kind to our neighbors, why do they still ignore me?

Ask Kari: I’ve been kind to our neighbors, why do they still ignore me?

We have never gotten along with our next-door neighbors and I’m not really sure why. They seem to be great friends with most everyone else who lives on our street. The day we moved in, we introduced ourselves and got the strong feeling they didn’t like us. We made every effort to be friendly – invited them over, included them in parties, delivered cookies, but nothing changed. In fact, it feels like the animosity they have towards us has gotten worse in the 10 years we’ve been neighbors. It bothers me when we see them outside and try to say ‘hello,’ they go out of their way to ignore us. Even their teenage kids ignore us. The situation really gets me down; life is hard enough right now without having to worry about that kind of negativity every time I step out my front door. I have given up on being friends with them, but it would be nice if they would just smile or give a little neighborly wave when they see us. Any suggestions?

Ask Kari: How can I support my depressed friend?

Ask Kari: How can I support my depressed friend?

I am very worried about my best friend. I believe that she is depressed and using alcohol to handle everything that she has going on in her life. How can I best support her without coming across as preachy?

Ask Kari: I think my husband is an alcoholic — how can I help him?

Ask Kari: I think my husband is an alcoholic — how can I help him?

I believe that my husband is an alcoholic. I am desperate to try and help him, as I see him getting worse as the weeks go by. He comes from a family of alcoholics but refuses to listen to my pleas that he gets help with his drinking. What do you suggest? I am worried, and at the end of the line with his behavior.

Ask Kari: How should I discipline my son when he doesn’t do his chores?

Ask Kari: How should I discipline my son when he doesn’t do his chores?

I am struggling with how to punish my son when he doesn’t do his chores around the house. It seems to be that all I have as discipline is to take away his phone or his computer. But, he needs his computer for summer school and the phone helps me keep in touch with him. What can I do to enforce the rules in my home?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my extended family’s bad behavior at family gatherings?

Ask Kari: How can I stop my extended family’s bad behavior at family gatherings?

I met with my extended family for the holidays and I am so frustrated with the poor behaviors that they demonstrated during our family gatherings. How can I get people to behave, to act normal, to not fight with each other when they get together? I cannot believe the amount of disagreements and snide remarks that passed on what was supposed to be a good day. Help me figure this out before our next family gathering.

Ask Kari: I’m tired of waiting for a proposal! What should I do?

Ask Kari: I’m tired of waiting for a proposal! What should I do?

I am unsure about what to do with my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together since high school (over 10 years). We are in a place in our relationship where I feel we either need to get engaged or at least move in together. My boyfriend disagrees. I should also share that he still lives at home with his parents. How can I get him to better understand my feelings and convince him to make a more permanent commitment to our relationship?

Ask Kari: I have the best neighbors ever! How do I thank them?

Ask Kari: I have the best neighbors ever! How do I thank them?

I have great neighbors who always help me by bringing in my garbage cans, watching my house when I travel, and giving my dog treats. How can I tell them they are the best?

Ask Kari: It’s my first Christmas with my mom in a care home, how do I keep our traditions alive?

Ask Kari: It’s my first Christmas with my mom in a care home, how do I keep our traditions alive?

I feel terribly sad. This is the first holiday season since I moved my mother into a care facility because of her dementia, and we won’t celebrate the holidays like we usually do. I feel both the loss of her recognizing me when I visit and the loss of our family traditions. How can I make it through this time of the year without feeling depressed?

Ask Kari: If someone you barely know gifts you, are you required to gift back?

Ask Kari: If someone you barely know gifts you, are you required to gift back?

I need help with something that happened to me last holiday season. A neighborhood friend gave me a very special gift, but I had nothing to give to her. She is a nice neighbor, but I was blindsided when she showed up a few days before Christmas with an expensive gift for me. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness, but I felt like a terrible person for not having something special for her in return. This Christmas, I don’t know what to do; she is not someone I spend time with other than waving ‘hello’ and making small talk when I see her. Do you think I should buy her a great gift just in case she does the same for me again this year?

Ask Kari: I’m bored with our big family holiday gatherings. Do we still attend this year?

Ask Kari: I’m bored with our big family holiday gatherings. Do we still attend this year?

I am feeling torn about the upcoming holiday season. I like my family and in laws most of the time, but I don’t know if I want to spend another boring Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. The last few family occasions have left me feeling disconnected and sad, as hardly anyone puts effort into connecting with each other, people sit like lumps on the couch. Help me decide, do I invite everyone over or should I just keep it small to my immediate family members (my husband and our children)?

Ask Kari: How Can I Make Plans for an Unpredictable Future?

Ask Kari: How Can I Make Plans for an Unpredictable Future?

Now that the world is getting back to being somewhat normal, how can I best look ahead in life and confidently make plans for my future? The past year has been so unpredictable and rocky; should I even make any plans?

Ask Kari: My daughter is rushing into marriage, how can I stop her?

Ask Kari: My daughter is rushing into marriage, how can I stop her?

My daughter recently got engaged. She met her fiancé online two months ago. I am very concerned she is jumping way too fast into marriage. She has had only 10 dates with her fiancé, yet they plan to get married on Valentine’s Day this year. How can I help her see rushing into a legal marriage is not a good decision, and she should wait until she gets to know her fiancé better?

Ask Kari: I want to go to college but I’m afraid I’m too old. What can I do?

Ask Kari: I want to go to college but I’m afraid I’m too old. What can I do?

I recently became unemployed because the business where I worked closed. I am 34 years old and I have always wanted to go to college and get my degree in education so that I can become a teacher. Should I try attempting my goal now or am I too old to reach this goal? What if I am the oldest student in my classes? I am scared to go for it because I have always worked in restaurants, not schools. What do you think I should do?

Ask Kari: My husband is chatting with strange women on Facebook — what should I do?

Ask Kari: My husband is chatting with strange women on Facebook — what should I do?

I am so upset, I was paging through my husband’s Facebook page and I noticed that he chats with a woman I don’t know on his page quite frequently. When I asked him about her, he refused to engage with me. I feel that he owes me this information, since I am his wife. Now, I haven’t been able to think about anything else for the past week, as I am concerned that he is having an affair. What should I do?

Ask Kari: How to Deal with Back to School Stress?

Ask Kari: How to Deal with Back to School Stress?

Dear Kari, I am enjoying the freedom of summer, but I am beginning to feel stressed about getting my kids back on a schedule for the upcoming school year. How can I get my family to smoothly return to our past system of helping around the house and a bedtime routine?...

Ask Kari: How do I mend things with my sister?

Ask Kari: How do I mend things with my sister?

My sister and I have not spoken in over two years since we fought over money when we were on vacation together. The pandemic has me reconsidering my family relationships, and I wonder how I should attempt to reconcile with her. What do you suggest?

Ask Kari: How Can I Help my (Adult) Child?

Ask Kari: How Can I Help my (Adult) Child?

Dear Kari, How do you deal with an adult child (age 24) who refuses to get a job because of COVID and refuses to pay the rent we asked him to contribute, even though he has plenty of money to do so? We would like him to get out on his own, but he is not taking the...

Ask Kari: I have a secret

Ask Kari: I have a secret

Dear Kari, I saw my best friend’s husband on Tinder looking to hook up and date people. What should I do? Do I tell her? If I tell my best friend her husband is cheating, I am scared I will lose our friendship. Help, please tell me what to do. – A Friend with a Secret...

Ask Kari: I’m lonely

Ask Kari: I’m lonely

Dear Kari, Help, I am feeling so lonely and defeated about finding love. I am looking for someone to share my life with, but I can’t seem to find the right person. I tried online dating and going to local bars or sports activities, but I still have not met anyone who...

Ask Kari: How do I mend things with my sister?

Ask Kari: How do I mend things with my sister?

My sister and I have not spoken in over two years since we fought over money when we were on vacation together. The pandemic has me reconsidering my family relationships, and I wonder how I should attempt to reconcile with her. What do you suggest?

Ask Kari: I’m worried about my sister!

Ask Kari: I’m worried about my sister!

Dear Kari, My sister has been heavily drinking throughout the whole pandemic, and I am worried for her. She is married, has a full-time job, and has two small children doing school online, which I know has been stressful to manage. How can I help her gain control of...

Ask Kari: Where do I draw the line with my adult teen?

Ask Kari: Where do I draw the line with my adult teen?

Dear Kari, My teenage son has been using marijuana in our house, and I am against him doing so. In general, I am against him smoking marijuana; I do not feel it is healthy to use. He tells me he is 18 years old and can smoke the substance if he wants to. I know I...

Ask Kari: How do I stop ADHD from ruining my career?

Ask Kari: How do I stop ADHD from ruining my career?

Dear Kari, I am soon to be a new college graduate, and I have ADHD. I have always struggled with getting organized for school, but now that I am heading into the workforce, I am scared my ADHD will keep me from being successful in the career I worked for in college. I...

Ask Kari: How do I manage it all, daily?

Ask Kari: How do I manage it all, daily?

I am struggling with getting everything I need to do done each day. I have tried reading organizational books, business books, and parenting books to learn everything I need to know and have everything in our family schedule and noted as a to-do task on our list. Unfortunately, we have never completed the to-do list – ever. What are we doing wrong?

Ask Kari: Anxiety Going Back to Work

Ask Kari: Anxiety Going Back to Work

Help! I am anxious about going back into a work environment and talking to people in person again. How do I adjust to the social dynamics of being in the office again after a year of freedom? Working from home this past year was wonderful for my anxiety. I have felt less anxious overall, especially about social exchanges where I used to struggle. I dread having to worry about carrying on small talk with my colleagues again. What do you recommend I do to get through it all?

Ask Kari: My father and I disagree about politics, can our relationship be saved?

Ask Kari: My father and I disagree about politics, can our relationship be saved?

Oh, my goodness! We had a small holiday gathering with my parents, and politics came up in conversation. After we disagreed with his feelings around the recent election, my father became so upset he got up and left the house before dessert. He has never reacted so poorly. He has not spoken to me since. What should I do to help remedy the situation?

Ask Kari: I feel so lonely during this pandemic, should I start venturing out?

Dear Kari, I feel so lonely. I have not seen my family or friends in a while due to COVID-19. My family members are staying pretty closed off, and I am honoring their desire not to see people outside their homes. My friends’ feelings about meeting up with others are...

Ask Kari: I am losing my patience with my family during COVID! What can I do?

Dear Kari, Help! I am going crazy with everyone being home all the time. COVID-19 is making me lose my patience with everyone in my home. It seems like once I clean up an area of the house, someone walks in right behind me and messes things up again. I have asked for...

Ask Kari: I am so frustrated with people not wearing masks! What can I do?

Dear Kari, I am so confused and frustrated with people who will not wear masks in our community. Why don’t they get there is a worldwide pandemic going on? I feel like I just want to yell at everyone I see at the store who is not wearing a mask. Do you think it is...

Ask Kari: How do I escape my COVID-19 slump?

Dear Kari, I am COVID-19-ed out! I am so tired of remaining at home by myself. I tried the sing-alongs, the dance-a-thons, the happy hours, and the book clubs, but I need people! At this point, I have lost my will to shower and change my clothes, since I never go...

Ask Kari: How do I start dating again during the stay at home order?

Dear Kari, Help! I have been cooped up in my home for the past two months during the stay-at-home order and want to start dating again. How do I go about it without going crazy for any human contact? – Cooped Up and Interested Dear Cooped Up and Interested, Many of us...

How to Cope with Coronavirus Isolation

Kari O’Neill is an Issaquah Highlands resident, a licensed independent clinical social worker, and long-time volunteer writer of our popular Ask Kari column in Connections. As we practice physical distancing, we reached out to Kari for advice on how to cope with...

Ask Kari: My parents loan me money — how can I tell my brother that’s none of his business?

Dear Kari, My brother has been guilting me into feeling bad that our parents have loaned me money periodically to help me stay afloat. I have told him that my personal matters do not involve him, but he states that they do because it involves our parents and family...

Ask Kari: My co-worker always stinks of marijuana — help!

Dear Kari, My colleague at work smokes marijuana on daily basis. I know he gets to do his own thing outside of work, but I feel that I am forced to share in his habit based on the smell that overtakes our shared office each day. What should I do? Tell him he needs to...

Ask Kari: Should I let my daughter’s boyfriend sleep at our home?

Dear Kari, My daughter has returned home for the summer for college and she would like to have her boyfriend sleep at our home. My daughter feels that this is normal and acceptable because she is an adult and they have sleepovers at college. I am torn. I recognize...

Ask Kari: Should I tell my best friend I saw her husband on Tinder?

Dear Kari, I saw my best friend’s husband on Tinder looking to hook up and date people. What should I do? Do I tell her? I am scared that I will lose our friendship if I am the one who tells her that he is cheating. Help, please tell me what to do. - A Friend with a...

Ask Kari: What can I do about my messy roommate?

Dear Kari, I own a three-bedroom house and rent rooms out. One of the tenants is both a friend and a co-worker of mine. The problem is she is a slob. My friend /tenant will leave laundry rotting in the washer, dishes in the sink, clothes in the hallway, and she...

Ask Kari: My elderly mother struggles living on her own — how can I support her?

Dear Kari, My mother is 78 years old and lives on her own but is struggling. I talk with her daily, but I can see that she would do better in a more supportive setting like a senior apartment or an assisted living facility. My sisters also live close by, but they both...

Ask Kari: Am I a loser if I’m not going away to college?

Dear Kari, I just graduated from high school and I am the only one staying local in my friend group. All my friends are leaving at the end of summer to go to college somewhere else. I feel like such a loser for saying I am going to stay home and working at my boring...

Ask Kari: How can I cope with encountering my childhood abuser?

Dear Kari, I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was a child. The abuse occurred over two years, from when I was 5-7 years old. I did not tell my parents about it until I was older. Since he lived in another state by then, nothing was done. Now I am planning on...

Ask Kari: How can I tell a guy I work with to leave me alone?

Dear Kari, Help, a guy at my work will not stop pursuing me, even though I told him I was not interested in dating him. I have told him repeatedly that I would not date him, but he will not stop asking me to go out with him. What do you suggest I do? I Want to be Left...

Ask Kari: Why is my father hiding his new relationship from me?

Dear Kari, Recently I went to my dad’s house for dinner, and I accidentally met a woman that I think he is dating, as she was leaving his house when I arrived, and I saw them kiss. This was a shock to me, as I did not even know my dad had was dating, or maybe that he...

Ask Kari: I just moved to Washington – how can I break out of my shell and meet new people?

Dear Kari, I just moved to Washington and I don’t know anyone in town. I do not have the best social skills, but I am interested in developing them to connect with others. What do you suggest I do to break out of my shell and meet new people? New in Town Dear New in...

Ask Kari: How do I end a relationship with someone I recently met online?

Dear Kari, I met a new man online at the beginning of summer and now I am ready to end the relationship. How do I end it without any hurt feelings? Moving On Dear Moving On, It seems that you enjoyed the dating relationship enough to keep it going for a few months,...

Ask Kari: What should I do when my friend is bullied by our other friends?

Dear Kari, My friend is being bullied by our other friends. I don’t know what to do; do I risk speaking up for her or do I keep quiet and remain in my friend group? I like her and I feel bad that she is being singled out. Help, what do I do? Scared to Speak Up Dear...

Ask Kari: How can I convince my teenage son to not overload himself with too many advanced classes?

Dear Kari, My son is in high school and recently registered for classes for the next school year. He and I struggled with the classes he should take, as he is fearful that if he does not take all advanced classes he will be a failure in life. I have tried to reason...

Ask Kari: I lost sight of the goals I set for myself for the new year – how do I get back on track?

Dear Kari, I started off the new year with plans for “a new me”, and now I have hit a roadblock. I have lost my motivation to work out, be less anxious, and respect myself more by having good boundaries with others. Help! How do I get back on track? Floundering in...

Ask Kari: How much should I support my aging estranged father now that his wife passed away?

Dear Kari, My father’s wife recently passed away and he is all alone. I have not had much contact with him in the past 30 years. We only talk a few times each year, typically around a birthday/holiday. How much do you feel I should do to support him? I am torn from...

Ask Kari: My wife of 8 years won’t be intimate with me — should I give up?

Dear Kari, I am at the end of my rope. I love my wife, but I am tired of living in a marriage with no intimacy. We have been married 8 years; I try and be kind and romantic with her, but nothing works to entice her into wanting to be intimate with me. How long do you...

Ask Kari: What should I do when my new boss belittles me in public and over email?

Dear Kari, I recently started a new job working for a former colleague of mine from a previous company I worked at. He is now my boss. The first few weeks went well, then he started belittling me in meetings and through email. How should I handle this? I need this job...

Ask Kari: My son struggled with depression his first year in college — how can I help him in his second year?

Dear Kari, My son is returning to his second year of college soon, and he struggled all freshman year with depression. How can I help him have a more successful second year? I don’t want to worry about him every day like I did before. Do you have any recommendations...

Ask Kari: I discovered my college-age son smokes pot — how should I handle this?

Dear Kari, My son is home from college and staying back at home for summer. I was in his room dropping off something and I saw that he has marijuana on his bedside table. I was shocked! I never would have thought my son smoked pot and I am very disappointed. He was...

Ask Kari: My sister has no social life — how can I get her out of the house?

Dear Kari, My sister is 38 years old and lives alone. She rarely socializes with others and mostly talks about her dog. She has zero dating life. I am worried about her and her future. She says that she wants to meet someone and have a family, but she never goes out...

Ask Kari: Should I continue to send gifts to family members who never say ‘thank you’?

Dear Kari, I am done with giving gifts to my husband’s family. I am fed up with sending presents to my nieces, nephews, and in-laws and having to beg them to say thank you to me. My husband and I have been fighting over this issue for the past few years, as he tells...

Ask Kari: How can I stop my child’s soccer coach from being verbally abusive?

Dear Kari, I am very concerned about my child’s soccer coach and how he interacts with my daughter. My daughter is on a select team and they all work very hard to grow their skills and win games, but it never seems to be enough for their coach as he yells at them...

Ask Kari: How can I prevent myself from giving in to my brother’s holiday season bullying?

Dear Kari, I have a hang over from the holiday season, as my brother demanded yet again that all our family members come to his house for Christmas Eve dinner. We don’t hear from him for most of the year until early November when he sends us an email invite (a.k.a...

Ask Kari: Should I buy a gift for the neighbor who gave me an expensive gift last year?

Dear Kari, I need help with something that happened to me last holiday season. A neighborhood friend gave me a very special gift, but I had nothing to give back to her. She is a nice neighbor, but I was blindsided when she showed up a few days before Christmas with an...

Ask Kari: I saw a mother drinking in public in front of her children — what should I have done?

Dear Kari, I recently saw something troubling in the local movie theatre parking lot. I was walking through the parking lot en route to taking my children to see a movie and spotted another mother with three children standing at the back of her car drinking vodka...

Ask Kari: My husband humiliated me at my office picnic — should I just forget about it?

Dear Kari, My husband recently came with me to my office picnic. About an hour into the party he smoked marijuana, drank some liquor and started talking loudly to everyone. While I tired to calm him down and asked him to behave, he ignored me. We left the party about...

Ask Kari: How can I encourage better parent supervision of our neighborhood children?

Dear Kari, I am getting tired of the children in our neighborhood being left unsupervised. Lately, since it is summer and school is out, I noticed that more parents are allowing their children to play outside, which I understand, but some of the kids are too young to...

Ask Kari: How can we refuse an invitation to vacation again with our neighbors this year?

Dear Kari, We have lovely neighbors who we spend a lot of time with. Last year they invited us to go away with them on vacation for a week and they have asked us to do the same again this summer. We really like them, but spending a week together full time last year...

Ask Kari: How can I get my teenage daughter to be affectionate with me?

Dear Kari, I have a teenage daughter that is a sweet child, but she refuses to be affectionate with me. When I try and give her a hug or kiss she turns away. I feel that I am not asking for much, I am her mom who just wants to connect and bond with her. I grew up in...

Ask Kari: What should I do if a loud colleague distracts me at work?

Dear Kari, My colleague at work whom I share a wall with talks loudly on the phone all day. He frequently uses the speakerphone, which makes it that much worse. Closing the door doesn’t help. I have asked him to speak at a lower volume, but that only lasts for a hour...

Ask Kari: How can I get someone I once dated to stop contacting me?

Dear Kari, I went out on a date with a woman one time and now she sends me texts almost daily and tries to talk with me. At first I was interested in her, but after we went out I discovered during the date that she was not someone who I would want to spend more time...

Ask Kari: How should I handle a disrespectful colleague?

Dear Kari, I have a colleague at work that is rude to me. She is passive-aggressive whenever we encounter each other and makes facial gestures that are directed my way. Recently, in a meeting she appeared disinterested when I would talk and purposely looked away from...

Ask Kari: What should I do if I’m concerned about the safety of someone else’s child?

Dear Kari, Help, I need your advice as to how to handle an awkward situation that is happening at my daughter’s preschool. Almost everyday when I pick up my daughter from school, I see another parent pick up her child by opening her mini van door and letting the child...

Ask Kari: My daughter seems stressed at college — how can I help her?

Dear Kari, My daughter is in college full-time and seems stressed out every time I talk to her. She used to seem so happy; now I feel like she either doesn’t want to talk with me or something is going on in her life that she is hiding from me. What can I do to help...

Ask Kari: After only dating men, could I be attracted to my same-sex coworker?

Dear Kari, I have an unusual situation going on. I have been spending a lot of time with a friend at work and I really like her, almost too much. I am a female and I consider myself heterosexual, but sometimes when we hang out and lay near each other watching...

Ask Kari: How can I get my teenage son to talk to me?

Dear Kari, I am struggling with talking to my child. My son is 17 years old and he is beginning to not care about school or his sports. He was always a sweet boy, but now he will barely speak to me. His moods are very unpredictable and I am wondering if he is using...

Ask Kari: How can I convince my family that our elderly mother should no longer live on her own?

Dear Kari, My mother is 78 years old and lives on her own but is struggling. I talk with her daily, but I can see that she would do better in a more supportive setting like a senior apartment or an assisted living facility. My sisters also live close by, but they both...

Ask Kari: How can I talk to my best friend who suddenly backed away from our friendship?

Dear Kari, I have been best friends with my friend Lisa for the past five years, but lately she has pulled herself away from me and I am not sure why. I have asked her if something is wrong and she says no, but I don’t believe her. We did start socializing with some...

Ask Kari: How can I convince my mother to cut off my brother financially?

Dear Kari, My older brother is addicted to drugs and alcohol. He has been using drugs since he was 14 and is now 44. He has been in rehab 8 times and is unemployed. He moved back in with my mom and is using her yet again for money, which she does not have a lot of. He...

Ask Kari: How can I move forward after my son lied about being gay?

Dear Kari, My son who is twenty recently told me he is gay and that his best friend is actually his boyfriend. I feel like he has been hiding the truth from me, as a few times in the past I asked him if he was gay and he denied it. I feel like I have always been...

Ask Kari: How can I be a good neighbor & a good employee?

Dear Kari, My neighbor interviewed at my company recently and I was actually in the interview process with her at one point. I felt so awkward during the meeting, and lately she has been asking me for insider information on the job opportunity. I feel stuck between...

Ask Kari: How can I help my child gain school support?

Dear Kari, My child is struggling in school and I genuinely feel that his teacher does not like him. My son frequently comes home and tells me that his teacher makes fun of him or tells him to be quiet in class. What can I do to support my son and establish support...

Ask Kari: How can I help my depressed teenage daughter?

Dear Kari, My daughter is 17 and is depressed. She says that she “can’t do anything right and feels like giving up.” She is hard to talk to, and nothing I seem to say or do helps. I have tried reminding her that she is special and that everything will turn out all...

Ask Kari: My mother-in-law won’t consult me when making family plans — what should I do?

Dear Kari, My mother in-law always asks to speak with my husband when she calls our home. She asks to make plans with our family, keeping me out of the conversation, which is frustrating since I keep the family calendar. My husband has asked her to just speak with me,...

Ask Kari: Should I get a therapist to help “fix” my gay daughter?

Dear Kari, My 17 year-old daughter thinks that she is gay. She had been hanging out with a new female friend who is gay, and apparently they have begun a “relationship”. I am beside myself, we are a Christian family and this is against God’s beliefs. I have forbid her...

Ask Kari: Should I continue to share holiday get-togethers with my ex-husband for the sake of our children?

Dear Kari, My ex-husband and I are separated and our divorce should be final within the next few months. We have three children (ages 16-24) together and they would still like us to spend most holidays together; my ex-husband appears to like the idea too. I initiated...

Ask Kari: What should I do after my married neighbor kissed me at a neighborhood cocktail party?

Dear Kari, I was at a neighborhood cocktail party and my friend’s husband put his arms around me, grabbed my backside and tried to kiss me. I moved his hands off me and pushed him away, and then I left the room. I realized as I walked away that his wife saw the whole...

Ask Kari: I don’t condone my sister’s gay lifestyle and now she won’t speak to me — what should I do?

Dear Kari, My sister is gay and has a partner that she lives with. I love her, she’s my sister, but I don’t condone her lifestyle and I do not want to include her partner in events with my family. There is nothing wrong with her partner; I just don’t want my children...

Ask Kari: What should I do if the parents of my son’s friend never come to pick him up from our home?

Dear Kari, My son’s friend, who is seven, comes over almost everyday to play at our home. My son enjoys his company and they get along great, but his parents never come looking for him at dinnertime or call to tell him to come home. He has eaten at our home more...