Ask Kari: How can I build my self-confidence when talking to women?

Dear Kari,

I have a problem that I have been struggling with since I was a teenager. I freeze when I talk to women. I have been trying to gain a level of comfort when talking to females, but I don’t really know where to start. I want to get married someday and have a family, but at this rate it will never happen for me. How can I get my game on with women?

--Looking for a Lady

Dear Looking for a Lady,

If striking up a conversation with someone has been a life-long challenge, give yourself some time to develop new skills.  Start with daily interactions with people around you, stretching your comfort zone as you reach out to colleagues, neighbors and friends. Gaining a level of comfort talking to people around you will allow you to make connections with others throughout your day, versus “getting your game on” with the ladies. When we gain self-confidence and make an effort to meet interesting people, we tend to be more successful. From there, be open to meeting women who seem friendly and kind, as they will give you room to warm up as you talk to them. Start with a goal of meeting people and developing friendships, not thinking about marriage. Starting from there is where we typically find happiness and love. The broader goal of friendships comes from a place of good intentions; it’s open-ended and filled with lightness. Changing your actions and intentions may change the outcome for you. Keep at it.


As published in the April 2015 issue of Connections.

About Kari:

Kari O’Neill, MSW, LICSW, is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker and the owner and Clinical Director of Issaquah Highlands Counseling Group (IHCG), which is now Kari O’Neill Counseling.

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